Drunk at your door

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swingset.

Yo mama... 

yo mama iz so fat when she wears a blue t-shirt
everyone shouts TSUNAMI 

The lonely island

After a fatal plane-crash, only 3 persons
made it swimming to a lonely micronesian
island. They were a young hot-blooded blonde
together with 2 good-looking athlets, and
after a little while they managed to cope
with surviving in the wildlife.
But after a certain time their sensual life
also became yearning, so the blonde started
a tempting menage-a-troi.
After enjoying themselves for about 2 years,
the blonde began to develop a bad conscience
about their relationship, because she
couldn´t choose either the first or the
second guy. So in one bad night, after having
it with both, she went down to the beach
to end her life in the troubled waters.

Both guys felt very sad for a very long time
after her death, but after a while they
again felt the fever for true love. So they
arrange themselves with the new situation
and their lovelife experienced a new
springtime.

After having fun for another 2 years, they
also started to obtained a bad conscience
and so they finally decided to....


a little furter down...





... bury the blonde.

Alien

a guy's sitting in a bar hving a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him,licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. he's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything.the next thing he knows, the alien does it again. this time the guy tells him to quit. five minutes later, it happens again. this time he yels at him to stop. ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. finally, he jumps up and screams, " If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". the alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. the guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! in frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!!"
the alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.

Superman

One day, superman was flieing and he saw
Wonder Woman laying naked on the roof of
her house. He thought, "I wonder if I can
go down there and screw Wonder Woman so fast
without her knowing what happened." So he did.
A few seconds after Superman flew away, Wonder
Woman asked, "What was that?" the Invisable
Man said, "I don't know, but my ass really hurts."

Caught speeding

So this guy is driving to the Hospital where his wife is
going into labor with their first child. Naturally he is
going a little faster than perhaps he should. He passes
over a bridge and finds himself being flagged down by
a traffic cop. He pulls over and is receiving nothing but
attitude from the cop even after he has been told the reason
for the rush so he decides to give a little back.
The guy says: 'Actually I'm on my way to work and I
don't want to be late.' So the cop asks: 'And what job could
possibly warrant such a disregard for the posted limit?'
'Well, I'm an asshole stretcher.' So the cop says: 'What
does an asshole stretcher do?' 'Well officer, I take a finger
and grease it up, I slide it into an ordinary asshole and work
it 'round. I then add another finger, then another until the
asshole is the required size, sometimes up to as large as
six feet!' So the cop says: 'What would someone do with a
six foot asshole?' So the guy says: 'GIVE HIM A SPEED GUN AND
A UNIFORM AND POST HIM ON A BRIDGE!!!' 

Blondes and rail roads

Q. What do blondes and railroad tracks have in commen?

A. They get laid all over America.

 The magic mirror

One day a man and a woman was cleaning out thre atic when the wife found a magic mirror.
She shouted to her husband "I've found are magic mirror."
She goes into there bedroom and hangs it on the door, she says magic mirror on the door make my tits size 44.
A couple of seconds after her tits are huge. She shouts to her husband "It works the magic mirror works my tits have gone biggger."
so the husbend trys it out, he says "magic mirror on the door make my dick touch the floor." Nothing happens for a while then his legs fall off. 

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

A shave and a shine

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Monkey face

Last time I seen a face like that, I fed it a banana.

Poor

your so poor when i walked into your house and lit a match everyone inculding the roaches started singing,"clap yo hands stomp yo feet praise the lord cuz we got some heat"

Family tree

Your so dumb that when you teacher told you to make a family tree you went out side and got some leaves

Twinkie

your so fat there's a sparke in your eye's;
only when you see a twinkie.

Your so poor

YOUR SO POOR, YOUR FACE IS ON THE COVER OF A FOOD STAMP

The glass wall

Your so stupid you climed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!

Judges deliberations on a paternity suit

Everyone in the courtroom waited with great anticipation
as the judge, ensconced in his chambers, considered the evidence
in the widely publicized paternity suit. Emerging after a long
deliberation, the brooding magistrate entered the courtroom
and took his seat behind the bench. Staring at the defendent, he
suddenly reached into his robes, withdrew a cigar, and with a
flourish handed it to the young man.
"Congratulations," the judge declared, "you've just become a
father."

Lion, tiger, lawyer, elevator

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.

2 dogs

One day, there was a little native american boy, and he asked his chief, "how did running bear get his name?" and the Chief said "well at the time he was born, his parents saw a bear running and decided to call him running bear." then the little boy said "well what about Snake in the grass?" "well when he was born his parents saw a snake in the grass and they decided to call him Snake in the grass." He went through the whole list of villagers and when he was through with the list the chief said "There, dose that answer all your questions 2 Dogs Humping?"